COURTSHIP A KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE!

There should be courtship before marriage. If you don’t do it you may face it rough.  Read today’s article to learn of the risks you should avoid and basic knowledge you need before you marry!

Signs of violence: One of the most pressing problems is violence within the couple or the family. It is common to find high levels of family abuse in all societies, even in the most wealthy and civilized. Below is a list  of violence indicators which already appear in courtship and may be clear precursors to an abusive relationship, examine this  list and check out to see  if they are present in your partner:

• §  He or she drinks alcohol regularly
• §  He or she is insensitive to wards animals or children
• §  He or she pays hurtful or humiliating things to you.
• §  He or she wants to control what you do, say, buy and so on.
• §  He or she wants to separate you to separate from your family, friends and work companions.
• §  He or she has very marked mood swings.
• §  He or she has behaved violently in the past although always with excuses.
• §  When you disagree he or she grabs and shakes you.
• §  When angry he or she throws or break things or bangs his or her fists down on the table.
• §  He or she blames other people for his or her problems.

The children’s out cry for love at home

Billy Graham tells a story about a college girl who was critically injured in a car accident. As she lay dying, she said to her mother, “mom, you taught me everything I needed to know to get by in life- low to light my cigarette, how to hold my cocktail glass, how to have intercourse without getting pregnant. But you never taught me how to die. Teach me quick, mom, because I’m dying.”

The police arrested a 17 year old boy and sent him to a detention home to await trial, where he suddenly went berserk. He wrenched a piece of radiator pipe loose, broke every window he could reach, and then banged on the pipes for four hours, until when he was subdued by tear gas. Later, when questioned about his spree (action/ misbehavior), he said, “I had nothing to lose. I have already lost the only thing that could have kept me and this was my parents.”

How to prevent divorce

Divorce can be prevented because it is not good. Psychotherapists and medics have put the following preventive measures in place for us. Please read them!
Resolution of conflicts: To overcome the array of conflicts which necessarily arise out of living together, it is necessary to be well prepared in conflict resolution skills.
 
Constant verbal exchange: A lack verbal exchange and effective communication is a very subtle, pernicious problem in married life. Regular conversation, from the most inconsequential to the most intimate, is imperative. This activity strengthens trust, friendship and loving bonds.
 
Share authority and duties: An authoritarian attitude on the part of one or both of the spouses may trigger a crisis. In a relationship founded on love the greater part of one’s happiness is found in making a loved one happy. It is therefore necessary to share the different duties incumbent in living as a couple or a family and reaching agreements which please both partners concerning the distribution of these responsibilities.
 
Do not think marriage is a fairy tale: Spouses should never expect a perfect relationship which fully satisfies them in all aspects. It they think like this their disappointment and dissatisfaction will be such that they want to separate. Both have to think that a happy marriage is only achieved with a good measure of endeavor and sacrifice on both parts. And even with good will on both parts, the relationship will go through some frustrating moments.

DIVORCE AND CAUSES OF DIVORCE

Divorce is a growing problem. Only in countries where it is legally restricted it is under control. But why do people get divorced? The explanations offered by divorcees  to lawyers or judges could well be stereotypical, convenient answers to avoid drawing the process out any longer than is necessary.

The real causes perhaps remain hidden or are confided only to the closest family or friends. One of the most reliable sources are the psychotherapists who help one or other partner to overcome the crisis.

Coming to agreement with someone to take on a marital relationship is a good but very challenging action. If we enjoy any harmonious life, we must celebrate that. On the other hand when things do not go right, the loved ones may find themselves tearing up each other. Divorce to many, is the option.

The psychotherapists Whilsman,M.A., Dixon,A.E.,and Johnson,B. in 1998 in their findings about divorce put up the following four issues to be the main causes of divorce in descending order:

• Communication problems; couples say, “We don’t understand each other”.
• Problems of authority; “we can’t reach agreements. Both of us want to be in control”.
• Unrealistic expectations; “marriage should be something marvelous.”
• Sexuality; “I am not satisfied with our sex life.”

THE SIX DIMENSIONS OF DIVORCE

Getting divorced is no simple matter. It requires different areas being dealt with at different times. This transforms the process into something slow, drawn out and painful. The fact is divorce where children are involved may never end as one may get divorced from a spouse but not from one’s children. Paul Bohannan, identified six important dimensions in the area of divorce (Bohannan, P, .1970)

Emotional divorce: before a divorce is made public, and official, the couple will pass through a period of strong emotional change. It is a distressing stage in which one or both of them have decided on taking legal steps.  The love that once existed has turned into hate, resentment and hostility. Some people feel so much psychic pain that they turn to alcohol or other substances in an attempt to put the matter out of the mind. There are those who fall into deep depression, others come down with some illness, due to the low levels of defenses. Loneliness is a fairly widespread feeling, since outwardly the marriage appears to work but actually both spouses feel tremendously alone.

Legal divorce: the day comes when the divorce papers have to be presented. Every country has its own legislation in this respect. However, all of them demand a long list of documents, declarations, and proceedings.  It is a very unpleasant experience which only serves to emphasize the frustration. At this stage the couple is no longer living together, but they have to come into contact to exchange papers, to sign documents and so on. Besides the many displeasures, a long list of bureaucratic fees has to be faced which can mount up to a sizeable sum.

Economic empowerment of young adults is a duty of their parents

“A man rises to the level of his superiors or falls to the level of his inferiors according to the class he emulated through his choice of associates.”- Napoleon Hill

The challenge of unemployment: universities and tertiary institutions send out graduates all the time who cannot find work for years after graduation. This is the cause of many social challenges among youths.

Sources of economic livelihood for people:  we can generate income when we;

Get employed: - this is the largest source of income in public and private sectors. A salary is paid for the labour.

Specialize in different services: - experts in different fields are paid well for their services. These can be lawyers, doctors, auditors, engineers, and accountants.

Do entrepreneurship: - when we set up small, medium and large scale businesses, we get a profit from the sells made or services provided.

Make Investments: - investors use their money to acquire assets and businesses which generate money. Investors use their money to work for them.

Economic empowerment of the young: today there is a lot of economic challenge. Parents should consider activities that can generate money and teach the young to do them. Income nowadays can come from areas including but not limited to:- transport, marketing, trading, shop keeping, food production, bee keeping, hair dressing, tailoring, mechanics, carpentry, building, painting, plumbing, compound designing, baking, dry cleaning, accounting poultry and animal rearing.

The trouble when Children are Leaving their parents’ homes!

Loving parents in lovely homes should learn it this time that when their children grow into adults, they can then lead their way of life. Instead of commanding, negotiations work better! It is true you dearly love the children but please let them go!!

‘’They have no intention of growing up. Why should they? The nest is too comfortable at home. Food is prepared, temperature regulated, clothes are laundered and all bills are paid. There is no incentive to face the cold world of reality.’’Dr. J.C.Dodson.

The final challenge between parents and their children comes when the children mature into young adults. Releasing children into the world is a difficult moment to parents.

Dr. Dodson  in his research on parenting in USA, found this question so common in parents: “ what was the greatest problem faced in dealing with your parent , or in-laws, and how how will you relate differently to your grown children than your parents have done to you?”

Commonly the answer was ; “the unwillingness of parents to release their children and permit them to live their own lives” .

In his findings some of his respondents put it this way;

·     

           “Mother  felt that my leaving home was an insult. She could not let go, she couldn't realise , I needed to become an independent person.”

·      

             “One of the greatest problem is to have my parents see me as an adult”.

·      

         “Our parents never seemed able to grasp the reality of the fact that we had grown from dependent children, to capable responsible adults”.

·      

       "I am 54 years old but when I visit my mother I am still not allowed to do certain things such as peeling carrots, because I do not do them correctly”

The man didn’t care about her, so she died with the baby in her womb!

Friends running relationships, this time I have brought you a story of a  man who didn’t care when his wife’s delivery time came! The woman surely passed on with the baby in the womb.

I wish to point it out to my readers that carrying a pregnancy puts a woman’s life at risk, so help them.

This happened in a family that I knew very well. These people lived in a village which was about four miles away from the town center where they could find medical help. The story is told that it the man didn’t find it necessary for his wife to go for antenatal care during her pregnancy.

The woman however, tried her way out and she used to go for medical help. When the nine months were full, a few days passed and she started getting the labor pains. She knew that these were signals for delivery. The man was away in the garden, so she sent for him to come and save the situation.

The woman waited, but the man took his time. He was mindless. The labor pains increased in their intensity over time. When he got home the woman asked him for money to get transport means to carry her to the hospital. In response the man said, ‘’you go, you must be having money with you’’.

Women matters during pregnancy

 Ladies and gentlemen, in loving relationships, this time I wish to bring you a lesson about pregnant women who we sometimes call expectant mothers.

For a man to have a baby there must be a woman and this same thing applies to the women. The two therefore need to take the responsibility of the pregnancy once it is detected to be there. By the way you have to prepare yourselves before the pregnancy even comes. Lovers please take a serious study about this.

The baby who forms in the woman’s womb scientifically is like a foreign body. The woman’s body treats it the same way as a foreign organism which causes disease. So her body happens to fight the growing fetus. The good news is that naturally the immunity of women gets suppressed so that it doesn’t fight the growing fetus. This is what helps mothers to carry the pregnancies up to the nine (9) months when they give birth.

However, the immunity suppression comes with its own challenges: it exposes the woman to the risk of disease. When a few disease germs get into her body, she is not able to resist them because her immunity is low. For this reason, many times pregnant mothers fall sick. Men should learn this to provide the necessary help.

Learn the importance of sex education to children!

The basic goals in sex education

The following six suggestions list a few goals which loving parents may hope to accomplish.

That he might learn to give and receive love: Sex education should help the child to be both loving and lovable.  Children should be able to give love and to receive love as well. A baby thrives on love of his parents and family and he learns to trust them and give love in return. When a child begins school, his circle of love expands as he makes friends and meets teachers. In preteen years he develops friends of his own age and sex. Then in adolescence he transfers his devotion to certain members of opposite sex. Wise parents will help their children progress steadily from one step to the next in this pattern of giving and receiving love.

That he may be satisfied with his sex role: One of the most important aspects of sex education is that of teaching healthy masculine and feminine identification. Sexuality involves the name given at birth, the toys played with, the clothes worn, the friends played with, the choice of courses in school, the way the roles and responsibilities in the home are viewed and last, the way in which sexual needs and urges are satisfied by responsible and committed human beings.  Parents must teach their boy to be glad he is a boy and their girl to be pleased she is a girl. This satisfaction comes through the girls’ admiration for her mother and a boy’s respect for his father. During the transitional ages especially in early adolescence a child may find difficulties accepting his or her sexual identity. Some girls feel no pride in being feminine and actually fearing to be women. Many boys especially when they are small in stature than others fear that they may not be able to real men.  The respect and love which parents show each other help teach that both men and women have a worthy place in life. Parents can also reassure their child that they love and appreciate him for what he is.