PROBLEMS OF COHABITING - Relationships and Marriages

PROBLEMS OF COHABITING

Parental disapproval: Despite permissive attitudes in society generally, the older generation still tends to disapprove cohabitation. The women tend to be more concerned about parental disapproval than the men.
Lack of Common Purpose:
 One study found that while college students intend to marry, most do not
intend to marry each other and in fact do not. However, women are more likely to think they will marry their current partners than men are. Men tend to take the relationship more casually, thus making women more subject to exploitation. It has been generally noted that in terms of roles, emotional investment, and finances, the man benefits and the woman is exploited.
Sex roles and Division of Labour:
 While one might expect more egalitarian sex role relationships among cohabiting couples, this is not the case. While cohabiting couples typically see themselves as liberated, free, Mature and independent, couples end up playing traditional male-female roles with women being exploited due to an unequal investment.
Money:
While cohabiting couples usually agree to split expenses 50-50, it has been found that woman tend to invest more of their money in the relationship. As a result money was reported as a major area of concern and conflict.
Violence:
Violence is reported to be especially high among the cohabiters compared to the dating and married couples. 20% of the dating couples report violence, 13.3% of married couples and 43.5% of cohabiting couples under the age of 30. The suggested reason is that violence represents a desire for closeness and ownership in the absence of a legal relationship.

All reports indicate that when an unmarried couples split up, the pain and trauma are similar to that of divorce. The main difference is that unmarried couples are more likely to separate than married couples and so in this respect they have the potential for more relational breakdown pain. Alvarez documents this phenomenon in his book life after marriage, where the grief, loss, anger and depression are experienced by married partners and cohabitees.
While one advantage of cohabitation is that the couple can split up without the costly hassle of divorce, on splitting up the cohabite has fewer rights. In recent law suits following the break-up of marriage where cohabiting preceded the marriage, British judges have consistently refused to take the full period of cohabitation into consideration when deciding on maintenance and other issues. In one case the judge refused to take six years of cohabitation into consideration at all when a seven week marriage broke up. In 1981 case the judge took into account the five years of marriage but refused to treat the seven years of cohabitation as equivalent to 7 years of marriage, even though they had 3 children during the time they lived together.

The following legal problems should be noted:
1.    If relationship breaks down or one party dies: 
-    The cohabitee has fewer rights to a stake in the home owned by the other, whereas a spouse has a claim on the home
-    Cohabitees have no right to claim maintenance - the child of a couple living together is legally illegitimate and therefore there is no duty to support.
-    Cohabitees can’t insure each others’ lives unless there is a financial connection between them.
-    The pension may not go to the cohabitee whereas a widow will continue to receive the pension.
-    Cohabitees can’t sue the person responsible for the death of the other under the fatal accidents act.
2.    The legal privileges during cohabitation are restricted:
-    couple to get a joint mortgage.
-    Difficulties in getting council tenancies.
-    Under the sex discrimination act it is illegal to discriminate against people because they are married - this law does not cover Cohabitees.
-    Gifts between unmarried couples can be subject to capital transfer tax
-    When applying for loans the cohabitee’s income is not applicable.
-    Name of the child is the choice of the mother to some societies.
-    Unmarried couple can’t adopt children.
-    Cohabitees have no legal duty to have sex with each other whereas failure in this area can be grounds for divorce.
-    If a husband or a wife leaves no will, the surviving spouse inherits his assets under the rules governing intestacy, whereas the cohabitee gets nothing.
These laws reflect the fact that society needs clarity about human relationships. It needs to know who is responsible for the care of children, who is related to whom, who owns property, and who is committed in an enduring manner so that they cease to be treated as single people. Marriage has public and private dimensions and forfeiture of the latter not only confuses and threatens society, but denies the couple any support they might claim as a result of being married. In the UK, this is a real consideration.

Another danger of trial marriages is that the absence of a public declaration leaves room for the couple to repudiate each other more easily. Victor Frankl once said that, “it’s easier to weather rough times when individuals have a common purpose, goal and commitment. Relationships are held together by trust and trust is based upon individuals committed to proving themselves trustworthy.
‘The essence of marriage is commitment, the contract and concern shared by the couple. If they express these mutual responsibilities as living together without formal marriage, it is likely that when the formal promises are made the marriage will have greater endurance. . . .  If living together is undertaken as a trial of compatibility motivated by curiosity rather than commitment, the result are likely to be as whimsical and unpredictable as the curiosity of the participants.’ By R. lee.

In this respect trial marriages are not marriages at all, strictly speaking. This is simply because the couple deliberately leaves escape doors in case the relationship does not work. Although this idea may be unpopular, a public declaration of commitment adds strength to the motivation to work hard to sustain the relationship.