THE SIX DIMENSIONS OF DIVORCE

Getting divorced is no simple matter. It requires different areas being dealt with at different times. This transforms the process into something slow, drawn out and painful. The fact is divorce where children are involved may never end as one may get divorced from a spouse but not from one’s children. Paul Bohannan, identified six important dimensions in the area of divorce (Bohannan, P, .1970)

Emotional divorce: before a divorce is made public, and official, the couple will pass through a period of strong emotional change. It is a distressing stage in which one or both of them have decided on taking legal steps.  The love that once existed has turned into hate, resentment and hostility. Some people feel so much psychic pain that they turn to alcohol or other substances in an attempt to put the matter out of the mind. There are those who fall into deep depression, others come down with some illness, due to the low levels of defenses. Loneliness is a fairly widespread feeling, since outwardly the marriage appears to work but actually both spouses feel tremendously alone.

Legal divorce: the day comes when the divorce papers have to be presented. Every country has its own legislation in this respect. However, all of them demand a long list of documents, declarations, and proceedings.  It is a very unpleasant experience which only serves to emphasize the frustration. At this stage the couple is no longer living together, but they have to come into contact to exchange papers, to sign documents and so on. Besides the many displeasures, a long list of bureaucratic fees has to be faced which can mount up to a sizeable sum.

 Economic divorce: the sharing out of goods is yet another difficult session. What to do with the house, the car, the savings account, investments or the furniture are all questions which imply difficulties. Furthermore, in moments of strong emotional strain they become more complicated.  Sometimes disputes arise over trivial matters, but they can be charged with emotion.  After this, comes having to adapt to a new financial situation which is often more difficult.  The wife is almost always the one coming out worse financially. She has to get used to a more limited income yet her expenditures is comparable to that of her married days. The husband perhaps with the same income discovers that his money does not go as far as before, due to the incurring additional expenses which he didn’t have lived with his wife.

Co parental divorce: Among all the issues involved in divorce, this is perhaps the most emotionally charged and the most difficult to overcome. Who deserves to be the main caregiver? How much will the child maintenance cost come to? Who will pay costs associated with education? How often and how long will I be able to visit my children? Even when these issues have been resolved on paper, they are often torturous to apply and follow through. Many fathers (or mothers) stop paying the stipulated maintenance.  Some fathers and mothers manipulate their children so they stop loving the other parent. Certain mothers (or fathers) do not allow the corresponding visits dictated by the judge. In reply the father (or mother), frustrated by the situation “kidnaps” their child in order to spend some time with him (or her). And in this way, the court proceedings are drawn out until the children come of age. Sometimes, a young person who was brought up by his/her mother, for example, shows a strong desire to know his /her father better and decides to go and live with him. This irritates worries and frustrates the mother, and makes the divorce never – ending.

Community divorce: a divorce not only takes places in the inner family circle (parents and children) but also occurs in the community of people linked to the family: friends, relatives, work colleagues, leisure companions and others. During their time together, the married couple had relationships with all these people. With divorce comes the challenge of how to maintain these relationships, what explanations to give; who will they believe? And so on. Each spouse’s natural family stands by him/her and campaigns against the other, blaming the later for the divorce. Whoever listens to one side only, believes they are in the right and takes their side. Many of a couple’s good friends may withdraw completely to avoid conflict, as it is difficult to remain good friends to both parties. This leaves the divorcees with the task of making new friends.

Psychological divorce: this refers to the task of reaching psychological autonomy and independence, away from the influence of a former spouse. Living with the same person for an extended period of time undoubtedly implies that one acquires a certain mental and behavioral dependency and absence will require time to adapt. The support that was once received from a spouse has to be attained from others people or groups of people. Family, close friendships or self-help groups may be satisfactory options. The implicit risk in the task of obtaining support is meeting someone of the opposite sex and ending up in a rebound marriage. This option is very rarely recommended.

Ladies and gentlemen, since divorce has such far reaching effects, let us avoid it if possible.