Parents and adolescent children

Handling adolescent children

At adolescent age, parents have to change the way of dealing with their children; to renegotiate the relationship between them and their children.

Change technique: at adolescence, children reach a level of self sufficiency whereby they require less help in their studies and with their duties and fewer summons. Many parents are not ready for this and continue treating their children as if they were still small: this does not usually work.

Accept the psychological changes in an adolescent: Children at this age tend to have defiant attitude. As long as this does not get out of hand, parents should understand that this constitutes part of their psychological development and they should not over react to this behavior.

Apply caution in certain areas of hazardous behavior: Adolescence is accompanied by several risks which young people should be warned about; violent or high risk sports, drugs, sex, antisocial behavior and others.

Be prepared for emotional changes; in adolescence it is possible that children feel less close to their parents, insecure, embarrassed when with relatives, nervous with bruised self esteem… this emotional turmoil should be seen as a passing phase and parents need to exercise patience and treat their children with friendliness as opposed to bad temperateness.

Be prepared to observe problems between siblings: Adolescents frequently behave belligerently towards their older or young sisters. It is good to know that this tends to disappear or at least to ease , toward the end of this stage as the adolescent feel more surely of him or herself.

Understand the role of friends and companions: These exert a strong influence on an adolescent. Parents should not be surprised when their children regard their friend’s opinion as almost sacred. This will also wane as they become more mature.

Allow adult help from outside home: Adolescents usually display a negative attitude towards parental advice. An uncle’s advise or that of a teacher or a family friend may be more influential than that of their parents’.

Leave them to participate in family decisions: Adolescents should take part in drawing up rules and making decisions that affect the family circle. Although the moment has not yet arrived for the adolescent’s decision to prevail; rather their parents should have the last word.

Agree on questions of discipline: When parents are not in agreement on criteria concerning rules and discipline the family relationship may be impaired. It may sometimes be the case that an adolescent pleases one parent and displeases the other. This is very unfavorable both for the adolescent and for the spouses’ relationship.

Stick together in a vital relation: The adolescent stage is accompanied by sufficient stress to cause negative effects on parents. However, if these support each other, loving and consoling each other in the difficult times, their children may provoke, they will more quickly and efficiently find solutions for their problems.

Adolescence is not a problem

Perhaps this is surprising; it is true that some adolescents are rebellious, unstable and difficult. But the fact that problems arise during this stage does not convert adolescence into a problem. The birth of a baby also gives rise to difficulties, but it is a natural, normal and a common event. Adolescence is something similar.

It is the most promising stage: we both parents and educator, have to get used to observing adolescence from a perspective of normality. Some psychologists equate this stage of life to a second birth, which like the first requires preparation.

It is the moment of great ideals. This is what provokes great conflicts between parents and adolescents who see them with all their defects unlike during infancy.

It is a stage charged with dreams and hopes. The adolescent is making a final effort to become a member of the adult world. It is like a leap from cocoon to butterfly, which often proves to be painful, like a birth, but also full of promise.

An adolescent needs to be understood and loved more than ever. Although he makes mistakes he has to feel that his parents are with him above all else.

We also need to look back to our own adolescence when in doubt about how to face a difficult situation, so that we may find a suitable answer to the adolescence issues.

(Dr. Julian Melgosa and Annette.D. Melgosa,- New lifestyle to couples. Pp.96-97